slamming the door shut
by kristy87
Summary: SPOILER WARNING FOR 605, 607 and 608! Sara cries her soul out while sitting on the cold floor of the ladies bathroom and she wants nothing else than to be able to hate him.


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI ifI wouldI'd kill off Spork.

**WARNING! THIS FIC CONTAINS SPOILERS AND SPECULATIONS ABOUT EPISODES 605, 607 AND 608. THE SPOILERS AND SPECULATIONS ARE MIXED UP SO DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS FIC AS A FACT.**

IF YOU ARE NOT SPOILED AND/OR WANT TO STAY SPOILER FREE FOR SAID EPISODES DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

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AN: Okay, after that new comment about the "love triangle" thing I just had to let out my anger and frustration. I actually named that fic "**ARGH**" but I thought that title wouldn't be so 'attractive'

Summary: Sara cries her soul out while sitting on the cold floor of the ladies bathroom and she wants nothing else than to be able to hate him.

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slamming the door shut

She slammed the door shut behind her, leaned back against the cold wall and tried to win back control about her breathing.

Why was he doing this to her? Why did she let him do this to her? Why did she still feel something for this idiot who did nothing but ripping out her heart over and over again? How could she ever think that things had changed?

Just three weeks ago, three weeks ago something had happened, something that she had dreamed of for years, something that she had prayed for for years...something she never thought could happen.

He'd been knocking on the door of her motel room, in the middle of the night, had told her that Greg had been snoring... He had simply entered without waiting for any invitations, had smiled softly at her when she'd been closing the door behind them, had asked her if he could sleep in her bed. And he did not just sleep in her bed... Sara knew she should have stopped him for the sake of her own heart but said heart wouldn't let her stop him. It had started with an innocent touch and ended with their naked bodies pressed against each other as they drifted off to sleep after making love.

Three weeks ago she thought she'd found heaven. What she'd seen today made her realize that she was in hell, her own hell, a hell that she had created, a hell where he was the devil and where she was burning and all that was left of her were ashes...the grey ashes of her soul and heart.

She hadn't asked him for his reasons, for what had made him change his mind about _them_, their relationship or whatever this thing between them had been...she hadn't cared, she had felt like walking on clouds, wearing pink sunglasses that blinded her...

Now the cloud was gone but it was raining anyways.

The worst was that she still couldn't hate him for what he did to her, as much as she wanted to, she couldn't. No matter how hard she tried...

She hated her! Sophia...what was it about that woman that let Grissom turn into...an emotional available man? Whenever it came to Sophia Grissom could be what he never was when it came to her. He could take Sophia out to dinner but couldn't accept her invitation, he could talk about personal stuff with Sophia but couldn't with her...and now he had been holding Sophia in his arms while she was crying...in his office...at work...where everybody could see them...everybody! And Sara had seen them! When _she_ had cried he had only been holding her hand! After she had been attacked he had offered her to let someone else take over the case but that had been all he'd done!

Another wave of hot tears ran down her ice cold skin. God why couldn't he love her, be there for her, care for her? Or at least stop hurting her? But she knew that the latter was more her responsibility...why did she still love him? After all he'd been doing to her? If she couldstop loving him he would loose the power to hurt her.

She cursed her heart, hated her heart..._why? Why?_

And the worst was that she'd been walking in on their little heart-to-heart talk...the blinds of his office had been closed but the door had been opened so she had simply entered, she had just been about to knock on the doorframe as she had seen it...them. Him with his arms around Sophia. Her heart had stopped beating for a second, or longer, she didn't know and hadn't cared. It was as if everything he had made her believe in the last weeks was just...breaking, slipping away, bursting into thousand shards that all cut deep wounds into her flesh and soul.

He had slept with her, was there another way to interpret this than that he finally knew what to do about them, that he wanted to do something about it and that he wanted to be with her? Was he really caring a damn about her feelings? He couldn't care at all, he knew better than anybody else how much he meant to her. After they had spent the night together, when she'd been waking up in his arms, she had asked him if he'd regret it... And he said he could never regret the best night of his life. A lie? Had this just been a cheap lie? Just a cheap lie from a cheap liar? And she had told him that she loved him. Maybe that had been the mistake! Maybe she was scaring him away from her? _God damn it Sara! You are not responsible for him being an asshole! Fucking bastard!_

She slowly sank down to the ground, her arms embraced her legs and she buried her face in the small hole between her knees. _Why can't I hate him as much as he deserves to be hated?_

She had pretended that nothing was wrong, but she had felt that he knew better. The way he had looked at her, he had felt caught. And that was the worst! That he felt caught! He wouldn't have to feel caught if it would have been just an embrace between two friends, a hug to support the other one, make the other one feel better...

She heard how the bathroom door opened but she didn't move, didn't care. She heard footsteps and those weren't a woman's. She knew that it was him and she felt her heart beating faster, she cursed it therefore. She did not want to love him anymore.

"Sara..."

"LEAVE!" She didn't even look up, screamed more into her knees than at him but she knew that he heard her and it drove her insane that he didn't leave.

"Let me explain."

She looked up, wishing that looks could kill. "I don't want any of your explanations. You care a damn about me and I finally got that! Finally finally finally got that! Leave me alone!"

"Sara that's not true."

The softness of his voice stabbed her like a knife over and over again. "You can not even imagine what you are doing to me. God I wish I could hate you but this foolish heart of mine wont stop loving you! I hate this damned heart more than I hate you and that is not how it's supposed to be! You made me believe that I was more than just your subordinate! You made me believe that the night we spent together was no mistake! You made me believe that you had feelings for me that were deeper than just physical attraction! You made me believe in all your damned lies and I was helpless because you have so much power over me...much too much power. I am so stupid! I wish I'd never moved to Vegas..." She screamed at him. She made a short pause and stood up. "...I wish I'd never met you at all. You destroyed me...and I despise myself for ever letting you get the power to do so. If it's her you wanted all the time, why were you doing this to me? Tell me? Am I just your toy? Did it give you a special kick that I...that I believed in every word you said, that I was following you like a dog, that I was poised to do everything for you, like a slave?"

He grabbed her arms as she was about to attack his chest with her fists, lead by her fury and frustration. "Sara! Sara calm, down."

"I am so not going to calm down! You think you can do everything with me! You think you can do this all to me! You think you..."

"Sara stop it! Let me explain!"

"I give a damn about your explanations you bastard!" When she realized what she had said it was already too late, she couldn't take it back...thinking this and speaking it out...there was a huge difference between that and she should have known before. His grip loosened and her fists hit his chest, hard and strong...only once...she felt numb. Numb and empty. Like the expression in his eyes...empty...and shocked about herself.

They stared at each other. Silence. A dripping faucet...the sound of the drops was the only audible tone in the room. It was as if it's echo ran through their bodies like a bolt, each time that a drop hit the ceramic of the washing basins.

All of a sudden he pressed his body against hers, pressed her against the wall with her back, his hand reached up for her cheek and almost violently dragged her face to his, pressing their lips against each other with a slight brutality. But violence and brutality faded away as his tongue slid between her lips and began to dance around hers.

She wished that he would stop, that she could make him stop but on the other hand she prayed that he would never stop at all.

As he breathlessly pulled away from her after a long time she stared at him, without saying anything else she turned away and left the room, slamming the door shut behind her once again.

_Damn you Gil Grissom!_

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THE END

I STILL BELIEVE IN GSR THOUGH, DON'T GET FOOLED BY THIS FIC


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